Boston’s Application for New Hometown

Originally published on Culture Shock.

As a senior quickly heading towards the strange and unpredictable life of a college graduate, I’m searching for a place to establish myself. Boston is a possibility. So what if Boston submitted a formal application to become my New Hometown? Below is what I would assume Boston’s application would look like.

Boston, Massachusetts
(617) 123 4567 |

Recent College Grad
Adulting Inc.
Earth, Solar System
Milky Way

Dear Recent College Grad,

I’m excited about applying to the New Hometown position. I have always believed in facilitating a high-quality (and expensive) life style and therefore admire Adulting Inc.’s mission of assisting people with growing up and becoming “adults.” My experience in the field and extensive history would make me a great fit for the company.

I have always enjoyed hosting young people (who make up the majority of Adulting Inc.’s customer base). I have founded over 50 colleges within my greater area and many of them have become certified in Prestige and Egotism — including Harvard, MIT, and, recently, Boston University. Through those 50+ colleges, I have helped billions of young people settle down and build an “adult life.”

I am one of the oldest cities in America (only slightly younger than my overrated brother, New York City) and therefore have built up an amazingly diverse and dense history and culture. As you can see on my resume, I have supervised and worked with numerous revolutionary companies, including American Revolution and Company and Industrial Revolution Corp., both of which have served to increase the greatness of America. As my gold domed State House symbolizes, I am truly a shining city upon a hill and will therefore serve as an excellent environment and role model for the Adulting Inc.’s clientele.

I look forward to talking to you my about skills and qualifications (of which there are many). I can be reached at (612) 123 4567 or at Thank you for your time and consideration.

Boston, Massachusetts

Boston’s Resume


New Millennium Inc.
Northeastern Leader | Jan 2000 – Current

  • Perpetuate an idealistic version of the American Revolution
  • Preserve an outdated subway system and aging byzantine roads
  • Feed into gentrification and the northeastern megalopolis

Twentieth Century LLC
Supervisor of the Steady Growth Initiative | Jan 1900 – 1999

  • Cultivated and crafted world-class universities
  • Accommodated racism, mobsters, and police brutality

Industrial Revolution Corp.
Regional Director of Innovation | mid-1780s – 1900

  • Established abolition movements while harboring racism against the Irish
  • Launched North America’s first subway system

American Revolution and Company
Revolution Specialist | March 1765 – 1776

  • Directed revolts and rebellions including the Boston Massacre and the Boston Tea Party
  • Harbored spies and cohorts as they plotted against the British Empire

European Colonialistic Pursuits
Chair of the American Puritans Committee | June 1630 – 1765

  • Served as the City Upon a Hill example of Christian excellence
  • Cleared the land of natives


University of the United States of America
Masters of Science in Revolutionary Politics | July 1775

Church of England College
Bachelors of Science in Puritanical Reformation | May 1628

Activities & Skills


  • Ranked 8th best American city to live in the U.S. News & World Report’s 2017 ranking
  • Football team, New England Patriots, have won five Super Bowls
  • Baseball team, The Red Sox (AKA the greatest team ever), have won the 2013 World Series

Boston Marathon Host | April 1897 – Current

  • Accommodate thousands of runners from around the world
  • Proved ability to be strong (Boston Strong) in face of a domestic terror attack in 2013


  • World-class sports including running, rowing, hockey, football, and baseball
  • Making fun of overrated older brother, New York City

feature photo credit: Jim Nix / Nomadic Pursuits Twilight in Boston via photopin (license)


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